Saturday, August 7, 2010

Anxiety Attack

Last night I was sitting on the couch with my husband, watching a goofy movie he got from the library, when it hit me... I am getting two new children in my life. You already know this... I already know this. But last night it hit me and my stomach tied in knots.

I sat there and had a full blown anxiety attack. My nerves went wild, my brain started making unwanted announcements...

“You have to leave your kids for five weeks and you still are not sure who will care for them while you are gone.”

“You have to fly to JFK and then to the far side of Europe, crossing the wide Atlantic ocean on the way... yeah, that is about four hours of flying over the deep water, nothing but water, nowhere to make an emergency landing.”

“You have to hide $18,000 in new hundred dollar bills in your bra, but don’t forget to declare it or they might confiscate it.”

“Last time I checked you only could say 5 words in Russian... Remember how hard it was to be in France? Huh? And your French was pretty good. You are going to be confused non-stop and everybody is going to know you are a “tourist” and you will probably get robbed.”

“Your internet connection isn’t going to work right because of some firewall that you can’t figure out how to get around. You will not be able to Skype with your family back home.”

“You are going to meet two little girls who might not even like you. They might be afraid of you. They might cry when you try to hold them.”

“While you are away, school will start and your son will get in all sorts of trouble because he is stressed out. He will get kicked off the school bus and grandma will be freaking out.”

“While you are away, your baby girl will sign for you and she will not understand why you don’t come back.”

“Someone is going to hand you two human beings for you to keep, forever.”

“You have to drag them back across that great big ocean... hours and hours on planes and in airports. And, they don’t understand a word you are saying. You are probably going to feed them something new that doesn’t agree with them and they will have diarrhea the whole time. Everybody on the plane will hate you because you can’t get your kids to stop crying.”

“You are going to finally get home and the three kids you left there are all going to be very angry with you, and jealous, and you are going to be too exhausted to do anything about it.”

Shut up already! Everything you just said is worth it to save their lives. They are going to be sent to a horrible place, left all day and night in cribs, starving and soiled. With no stimulation, they will pull their hair out and bite themselves to feel. They will cry and no one will come to comfort them... eventually they will never cry again. Within a couple years they will be nothing but skin and bones and one day their lonely little bodies will simply quit.

So stop trying to scare me... everything is going to be fine, just fine. I can do this. The butterflies in my stomach settle down a bit... Yes, someone is going to hand me two tiny human beings to keep, and their lives are going to change forever.


S said...

Awe you are such a good momma!!! Must be close to delivery time:) Lots of prayers coming for peace and comfort.

Holly W said...

5 weeks is a long time, but within a couple of weeks of being home everyone will figure out a routine and all the loving these new girls are going to get is soooo worth it!
And you know what-I changed my mind, 5 weeks really isn't THAT long....

Rochelle said...

Praying for peace for you in the waiting and in the delivery.
I think you left off "for the better" at the end =)
Mallory & Peach are already blessed because God specifically chose them for your family and He will work out all the details.
Can't wait for them to be at home with all of you.

Sandie Flannery said...

Five weeks is only a short period of time in your lifetime but the difference those five weeks will make in the life of the girls will be forever!!!Stay strong and turn it over to God, the Holy Spirit will guide and protect youu and your loved ones at home!You've imagined the worst, now be you are ready to accept 'whatever' and it will be all good!!Repeat: 'Don't worry, Be happy!' Those girls will bring you a bounty of happiness!!!

The Sanchez Family said...

And your kiddos left behind might actually have a lot of fun (mine did!) and do remarkably well and will just be that much more excited when they see you. It's good to go through these emotions (and motions) before going. I don't think I did enough of that to be honest and then was overcome with fear and regret when we got there and were handed our new baby. She was NOTHING like I expected and I freaked out. So....just remember not to have too many expectation but also to expect anything to happen as well....not sure I'm making any sense but all in all I think it's good to have a freak out every once in awhile! Call or email me anytime. I understand all of this so much.

j*e*n said...

I cannot imagine all of the things running through your head & heart right now. But what I do know is that you are absolutely doing the right thing!! Sure, there will be hiccups along the way, but on, it's going to be sooo worth it when you finally get to hold your little girls. :) I am so excited for you and pray for your family every day.

TUC said...

Thank you guys so much for cheering me on. I just keep telling myself it cannot be worse than labor without drugs, and I survived that three times.

Melissa M said...

If you didn't freak out now and again I'd have to wonder about you. :) I'm sure your kids will do great while you are gone, and those two girls you are going to save are so worth it!

Lacey said...

Oh your really freaking me out! I have a couple to add to yours too, like my baby boy staying healthy, or semi healthy, while I'm thousands of miles away!

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